Since I'm at the half-way point in my book Captivating I thought this would be a good spot to stop and think and reflect on what I've gotten out of it so far.
In the beginning chapters of the book, I have already connected with many, many different thoughts. As I was going through I kept thinking, "how does she know this about ME?!" and "she must have written this FOR ME!!!" seriously...that dead-on correct. The heart of a woman is something special to be cherished, but instead, we find ourselves having, "An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, too strong, too opinionated and too messy. The result: Shame". I long to just...be. To be ok with being me. I am who I am. and no man will ever change that... (again)..."Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story". I always wanted to be rescued like in Cinderella and Ariel. I always wanted a man to fight a battle for me. I found myself trying to change every man i've ever dated into being this hero and only came out disapointed when I realized he wasn't and he made me feel like crap for wanting more than what he gave me. "A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draw out her beauty." I suppose part of this is letting that happen. I always try and make the fairy tale happen. I try to control every part of my (love) life so that I prevent myself from getting hurt (again) when I think I just need to let it go, let things happen, and enjoy the ride while still graurding my heart for the ONE. I want to be pursued. He's out there. Hopefully, he's fighting for me already. Not going to lie... I pray for my future husband. You should pray for your future spouse too. It feels good.
As women, we define ourselves by the relationships in our lives. When someone asks you "who are you" you could respond with something like "I am a daughter" or "I am a sister" while men usually define themselves as things such as "I am a salesman" or "I am a baseball player" just like Stasi says, "Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships and the quality they deem those relationships to have." This is a glory of God. We all have beauty to unveil. Beauty is Essential! Beauty speaks. Beauty is powerful, Beauty invites, Beauty nourishes, Beauty comforts, Beauty inspires, Beauty is transcendent. Beauty is misunderstood by all, "this is crucial to any woman's soul, not to mention her sexuality: You cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won't let you in unless I know you love me". In the past, I have given myself too quickly, both emotionally and other. This usually leads me down a bad path heading for destruction. The man gets bored and I'm the problem of the relatioinship. I am too much and still not enough. Yet, somehow, deep down, I know it's not my fault. If he just understood that I wanted to be persued still then we wouldn't have a problem (I guess this is one of the many reasons why we are no longer together...) "a woman is not a problem to be solved, but a vast wonder to be enjoyed" I have learned that my deepest worries and fears are relational.... they are connected with someone, not something. Also, I have learned why I behaved the way I did in my past relationships. I learmed that when a woman's emotional needs are not met, and she has fallen from grace with God, she becomes a dominating, controlling woman OR a desolate, needy, mousy woman, or some odd combination of both. Wow. eyes = opened. I did this because I wanted to be in control because I feared vulnerability, yet at the same time I felt so needy that I let myself fall under the abuse of a bad man and didn't have the will to get myself out. I gave my heart away instead of giving it to God because the deep longing in my heart just won't go away...so I indulged. "We are wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."
Also, I learned a bunch about how men work and some about why they are the way they are. Men have fears of their own (who knew!?!) and they are much, much different than those of women. "But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world he wont have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it... The effect is that most women feel alone.... Men sin through violence and through passivity." Oh how true this is.... I really cant even expand on it. It just...hits home all to much. I think the worst part about it is when your realize you dated a man who displayed both violence and passivity and let yourself take it because of your own shame because let's be real... a woman's worst fear is abandonment. So after getting angry...after crying about all the realizations about my own life...after the special hatred for myself for letting myself be treated like that... and having a special hatred to those that hurt me for all too long it was time. Time to forgive. "And so dear heart, it is time for your restoration." It's time to let it all go and turn everything over to God. God is the only one who can heal my wounded heart and my wounded soul. It's time to forgive those who have hurt me more deeply than anyone else on the earth. It's time to let it all go to God...and move on. Cry it out...forgive...and be done. "Bitterness and unforgiveness set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that hold us captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you fortive, you remain their prisoner... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to those who hurt us." I want to let it all go to God. Now, it's time to let myself be free of those chains and to let myself be with someone who will really treat me like the Beauty that I am.
I want to be Captivating.
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