What the adult is going on?

We all grow up. It's a matter of how you handle it that makes a difference. Lately I've been in this funk that I can't seem to shake. What's going on with me? OH, RIGHT I'm getting older and I can't do anything about it. Everything around me is changing and I feel like my life is out of control right now.  I'm 22 with a decent job, living at my parents house because I can't afford to get out on my own. All of my friends are getting engaged AND / OR having a babies (in no particular order... per usual these days...) Our family is ever expanding and our family traditions are changing.  My college friends are still in college and I feel like I'm the only one who's growing up.  This same feeling happened when I was the first one out of everyone I knew to go to college (EIP program had me going to college months before everyone) I'm growing up and no one else is, and yet everyone else I know is already grown up or 3 steps ahead of me. It's a very strange phenomenon. My parents are doing things like... getting their will finalized with their attorney and making retirement plans.  These are the types of things that keep coming up to remind me that I'm getting older.  My siblings are all having babies and or all are already married, so it makes me feel like I should be doing that too, even though I'm younger and I know theres not rush for those things.

As an upcoming adult, I've been faced with decisions to make about my adult life that I'm not quite sure I'm ready to make.  Friendships are hard to keep as an adult. You find yourself asking, "are they worth my time and effort if when things get rough they are gone?" Sad to ask, but after a full 40+hour work week, it's hard to mentally maintain dozens of friendships with people who just want to have a casual drinking buddy and are going to abandon you as soon as a rough patch comes. It's exhausting. I find myself dwindling down for a few very close friends. I kind of like it that way though.  I consider myself lucky to have a few very close REAL friends. Friendships in college seemed to be shallow and all about "what  can I get out of it" (at least that's who others treated me...) so it was never about the give and take in college. Everyone there just tried to make the best for THEM without consideration to others' feelings. They want you around when it's convenient for them, but if they get a better offer... see ya!! Those aren't real friends.  These past few months out of college have made me realize that I only had 2 or 3 actual close friends from college. (IF THAT!) Those people I hung out with every weekend don't even know that I have a job now or even know what I do with my time. Its hard to think that way, but it's the truth. And being an adult is all about facing the cold hard truth.

Relationships as an adult are different from any other age relationship.  There's so many awesome and fun adventures to be had.  You can really connect with someone.  Also, you are capable of going out with someone and realize, "hey they aren't for me" and walk away without a night of tears and a bowl of ice cream.  You know what you want out of a relationship, you have certain expectations that can't (and shouldn't) be broken.  There are certain qualities and things you look for in a life partner, mate, and significant other that you must receive in order to be fully happy with them for the rest of your life. Dating is what some people refer to as interviewing for your life's happiness.  You have to interview people for the job.  If they don't meet the qualifications, see ya! If they meet most, maybe give them a try... but be on the look out. If they meet more than most, give it a try! As an adult, you can meet someone and know in 20 seconds if it's a yes or a no.  I think this can be based off of past experiences with certain types of people.  If you asked me how  my love life was going a few months ago, I would have told you, "I'm single and I love it! Couldn't be happier!" and it was the honest truth. I didn't need anyone, I didn't want anyone. Independent and loving life, you might say. Then... it all hit me like a ton of bricks. Where did this guy come from!? He's wonderful and amazing and how did I get into this wonderful relationship?! I feel like I got hit by a train. I wasn't expecting this type of relationship at all. Being single you can be as guarded as you want to be and keep your walls as high as you want so as to make sure you don't get hurt. In this relationship, now, I'm vulnerable again.  My walls to my heart are slowing falling and I'm starting to let someone in again. It's the scariest thing I have done in a long long time. To let in the possibility of someone hurting me again scares the hell out of me.  But I'm in it.  And I'm loving the journey and the adventure!!

Also, I've been faced with decisions about my professional life.  Do I stay in the good job I have because I have it, or do I try and pursue the career I went to college for? I feel like I am called to do something greater with my life than to sit behind a computer screen at a desk for 9 hours a day.  I feel like I'm called to help people and to make some sort of a difference in at least one person's life. So what do I do? Well... last night I updated my resume and reapplied to Fulton County School district.  Maybe I'll get a bite. If not, then that's not where I'm supposed to go. But, I refuse to be one of those people who get stuck. Then 5 years of their life has passed them by and they keep saying the list of things they wanted to do in the twenties.  Well...here's to me actually DOING those things.

Sometimes life doesn't pan out the way we expected. God has a plan for all of us that is so much better and bigger than we could ever expect.  I need to trust in Him right now and not try and rush into anything before I know I'm ready (ie marriage and having babies). I want to take my time and enjoy my early twenties. I want to continue to deepen my friendships with my select few and really get to know them for who they are so we can have a very close, life lasting relationship. Here's to making a difference in some one's life. Here's to me not getting stuck. Here's to me moving forward in the greatest relationship I've ever known. Here's to MY life and what I do with it.

If you're reading this... I'm so glad YOU are apart of my life :]

Passion2011

This whole thing started with a phone call from the one and only Mary Beth.  She and I had been talking over the past few weeks about how excited she was to go to this huge Christian conference in the World Congress Center and Philips Arena.  Normally I’m not really into the whole “We are way too Christian let’s sit around and sing I love you Jesus songs and talk about our feelings” kind of conferences.  Not really knowing what went on at this one… I never really thought much about it until she called me late one night offering me a free pass for Sunday. Tickets go for around $250 a seat and they sell out.  This prized possession was a once in a life time opportunity I couldn’t say no to.  Even though I had been out late the night before, I got up early (on my last day off of winter break), drug my happy ass down to the  chaotic ATL and began this whirl wind of a day. Here is what I learned from this outstanding experience of speakers and talented musicians…..

The Will of God.

God’s Will.

The Lord’s Plan for me and my life.

Where am I going? What does He want for me today? Tomorrow? In a week? In a month? In 5 years? In 50 years? Where is He taking me?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Over the course of the past 11 years, I have only known one path in dating.  My head has known that this isn’t how it’s supposed to work.  I shouldn’t equate physical intimacy with love.  It should be the other way around but somehow, over these past 11 years of repeated behavior tied in with men who think that same way, this path has been paved in cement and stone on a road of self destruction.  Sam is too good of a man for me to continue on this path.  This has shown me that it’s more important to be connected deeply and intellectually than physically.

This concept of a man loving me for ME is so new to me, yet some how I’ve always known this to be truth and this is what my heart has always desired.  I’m not trying to blame the media by any means here, however, I think that our (me and other women’s) opinion of love has been skewed.  We are brain washed from a young age to think that we must have x,y, and z physical features and be able to do x,y, and z with our bodies in order for a man to be attracted to us.  Only then, will he fall in love with us.  I have learned from experience that this doesn’t work.  It only leads to heart ache and sets the relationship up for failure.  Looks fade and when they do, what are you going to have left in that relationship? There better be a deep meaningful connection there to sustain a relationship for a life time other wise… you’re in a boat going down river with out anything but a tooth pick to save you. God needs me to fully trust in him right now.  He is preparing me for something so GREAT that I won’t be able to do it without Him.  I think that this is the beginning of the Will of God; my path; my journey; where I’m supposed to go in life, in love, and in aspiration to live a life for God.  He’s calling me to Greatness and I need to rise to the occasion.

I MUST change my conscious actions uncertain situations in order to eventually change how I feel and react / act in those situations.  Its unbelievable to me that I have let myself be so foolish over these years.  It’s going to be different from now on.  He’s different you know… I can’t let my past happen again.  I will make better choices so I can follow the will of God and become the woman HE wants me and created me to be.

God has planned something so great for us.  [Psalm 37] “Security of those who trust in the Lord”

We act out of what we believe. Break the pattern of victimization.  Once the behavior is broken, the belief will follow. I want God to change me in his Word.  Desires of the flesh will not matter in the end… desires of the heart will.

1)    Nothing dictates our lives like our desires:  We are driven most buy what we want the most.  What drives me? We will follow our hearts and desires and we will fall back into what we want to do at the end of the day.  So, something in that heart needs to be reformed so as to be able to make that change. “WHAT DO YOU SEEK?” [John 1] What do I really want and what do I really long for? A true desire is a sustained longing unaffected by circumstances or mood.  What is my truest desire?

I want to be loved and I want to love.

2)    Beneath the desire of our heart is the heart of our desire: What we think we want changes constantly. When something doesn’t happen that we thought would happen this is because HE knows better for us.

3)    Delighting in God makes our truest desires inevitable: God delights in me.  The reciprocal delight will make my desires (my deepest desires) happen.  There is no feeling like it! If we see him, He will add unimaginable blessings to our lives. God tells us what we can do and once we actually do it, it’s unbelievable! We must push past our own fear to do it. DO IT. Jesus will fill us up with the capability. Believe in God over the bondage of our past behaviors.  We must make the decision to go the other way and do the opposite.  This kind of victory is a victory for you AND God and it is filled with joy.  The choice you made is a victory. We are usually oblivious to how much God actually does love us and the moment we smile back, there is mutual, glorious, delight.

4)    Nothing external can steal our right to delight: Only our other emotions can take away delighting in God:

J: Jealousy. This is a form of desire tenged with resentment. You are not ment to imitate anyone else.

A: Anger.  This is passion that is extreme and destructive motivation that breaks up everything in your life. (What is it you are so mad about?)

W: Worry.  Worry is wrapped up in control. Only God can control.  It does not add a single second to our lives.

[Trust is the cure for JAW]

5)    To make room for delight, we have to commit: commit ourselves to the Lord; the plan; the will; the future.  The plan is perfect for me and despite my background, I am going to commit to it!

6)    Patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight is not passive: Be still before the Lord and do not fret. Wait patiently and do it with joy.  There’s time to be stil and times to speak.  We must have a relationship with God. He can’t just be on our to-do list.

I must be bold enough to change those things in my life that are taking me away from God. I can’t be afraid to change. What can I consciously change and do in my life to live as a better person in the image and likeness of God?

For now, I must trust in the Lord.  He has a great plan for me.  I know that I must trust in him to provide me with the wisdom and strength to be bold enough to make choices that will change my life forever.  He’s in control.  I can only thank Him continuously for all of the blessings he has bestowed upon me in my life.  I would not be the woman I am today without him.  I’ve got some serious living to do.

 If I can’t change 100 peoples lives, I want to change one.

Passion 2012: THE DOME.  I’ll be there. Will you?

Peace Out 2010

Another year has come and gone. 2010, you were good to us all. As I sit here on this cold wintery morning, I've been reflecting on the past year.  So much happened to me in just one year.  I had many heart aches, many great opportunities, much was learned and I think I even grew up a little bit. Let's start from the beginning...

January: This was the start of my last semester of college.  The beginning of the end. The final lap. The grande finale. (you get the picture).  I was holding on to every ounce of every day with all that I could to try and make it last, but I knew the end was coming.  I took the GACE for the 2nd time in Savannah. For all those who don't know what that is, it's the Georgia Assessments for the Certification of Educators exam.  I took the exam for the second time to try and obtain my teaching certificate for the state of Georgia.  This exam is conducted based on your content area, for example, I want to be a Family and Consumer Science teacher for middle/ high school so my GACE exam covered secondary FACS while if someone wanted to teach middle grades English, their GACE would cover middle grades English. Makes sense. duh. The first time I took the exam, I failed by 3 questions. The second time, I failed by 4 questions. January 9th, 2010 I did not receive my teaching certificate and was not qualified to teach family and consumer sciences to middle and high schoolers for the next 5 years.. The rest of January I begun my student teaching in Tattnall County High School in Reidsville, GA. I began writing lesson plans and picking up class periods one by one to plan, teach, and grade on my own without assistance from anyone. This is where I learned how to be an adult in charge of 30 high schoolers with no direction in their lives.  It amazes me that I was only 4 years older than the seniors in my class, yet it felt like 10 because of the maturity level in the room. I was nervous about the experience.  It took a lot for me to step out of my comfort zone and teach these kids about fire safety and cultural diversity when all they know is like 3 miles of their town, guns, camo, trucks, and farming...oh and how to get pregnant. By this time, I had finished my last classes of college, taken my last exam, paying all my bills, and trying to be responsible enough to get a job and become an adult. Needless to say.... I was scared shitless.

February:  While student teaching was in full swing, I knew I had to do something with myself socially and physically so that I didn't go crazy.  Elizabeth talked me into doing the Triathalon that our campus hosts annually.  I began to really train and my workouts (after teaching for 8 hours) were up to 2 hours a day with 2 or 3 different routines alternating between swimming, running, biking, and of course, zumba! Some how, I knew I had to do it for me to prove to myself that I could finish a triathalon.  At this point in the semester, I almost had no social life.  I got up every day before 6 a.m., drove an hour to TCHS, worked until 4, drove an hour home, went to the gym for 2 hours, showered, went straight to the library for hours to do lesson plans and grade papers and write my (unnecessary yet some how mandatory) daily reflections on the student teaching experience, and was in bed by 11:30.  M-F I did nothing with friends. Friday and Saturday I did nothing without friends and Sunday I was back to the grind.  My relationship was failing, my friends were fading, and my relationship with God was nonexistent.  However, I was making perfect marks on all my lesson plans, got perfect reviews from my observations, and was able to run 3 miles, after zumba and a 20 minute swim.  This is also the time when my resume was perfected and I started applying for jobs daily.  I even had 2 interviews with AT&T for a really great position that I didn't get. 

March: TRIATHALON TIME! The family came into town and Eric, Elizabeth, Steven, Keri and I geared up for the 26 degree weather adventure and kicked some serious ass.  I went to the graduation gala, took my senior pictures, and sent out the graduation announcements.  "Oh shit.  IT''s real.  I'm graduating and have no clue where I'm going"  Spring break for GSU came and went and what did I do on my senior year spring break? I worked.  Student teachers didn't get to take the college's spring break bc God forbid we actually have fun in our last semester of our college lives.  I took some of my students to Athens for a FACS competition and some of them even made it to the national championship competition that took place in July.  My relationship with these girls was ever growing.  I felt like I was really making a difference in some of their lives. I was teaching them skills no one had ever taught them before about information that they needed for their lives.  Some listened.  Some didn't.  But as long as I could make a difference in one person's life...... all the work was worth it. That moment for me came in June.. Also, in March, I went to my first fraternity semi formal.  Jacob was a Sig Ep and he took me to the Kentucky Derby.  The weekend was ridiculous.  We almost got kicked out of the hotel.  It was what I needed to feel like a college kid again. 

April: My god-father, Dave, was confirmed into the Catholic church. Boom. I had my 4th annual pirate party (complete with booty shaking contest and costume contest) At this point, student teaching is slowing down because I could now write a full lesson plan in under 30 minutes so it was more just about executing things well in the classroom.  My social life was picking back up and I began to attempt to rekindle some of those relationships. However, my own personal relationship was at it's worst.  Things were going down hill and fast and there was nothing I could do to save it.  We both knew it.  We didn't say anything because we both knew I was graduating in May and moving home and that would be the end of it.  I went to my final Phi U seminar and passed my torch of Secretary down to the newer and younger Phi U inductee. I wrote my final evaluations of my student teaching and finalized my last resume to send over to another 100 schools. Things were really going fast and my attempts to hold onto college was slipping through my fingers. My last day at TCHS was on April 30.  I said my good byes and I have since thought about almost all of the students.  They changed me and I only hope I changed them. I realized I could actually teach.  I could educate.  I was capable of doing it.  And I think I succeeded. 

May: Graduation day arrived. May 8, 2010 9:00 A.M Paulson Stadium.  We had the largest graduating class in the history of GSU. The blistering sun made us even more aware of just how large out class was. My thoughts for this grand graduation party didn't happen.  You see, everyone had family in town and had other parties to attend. Also, My bf at the time didn't acknowledge that it was happening and never once told me he was proud of me. (Things like that resinate in your forever, ya know) My friends and I were growing up.  We had different plans for the future.  We were moving on.  This was the last time we were all together in one place. I cried myself to sleep that night.  It was over. I'm finished.  My college life is gone. Where do I go now? What do I do? Where am I going to live? I have no money. I have no job. and the only thing to my name was a bill of student loans.  Oh shit. I spent the next few weeks reading rejection emails and letters from schools and applying for any job online that I met the qualifications for.  On my 22nd birthday, my friends spoiled me and we went out with a real bang.  Outrageous and one of the best birthdays of my entire life! It was much needed.  I also spent the next few weeks with no job, no school and nothing to do except drink, go to the pool, go to the beach, and watch the entire 6 seasons of LOST. 

June: I took the GACE again-- third times the charm, right?? This time... I PASSED! I was back and forth between home and the boro because I had to have lots  of work done on my skin.  All my laying in the sun was catching up to me. I also had jury duty for the first time ever. That was a waste of time. As previously stated, I finally had that moment when all of my hard work during student teaching became worth it.  For those of you who don't know, the place were I taught was very poor.  No one went to college or did anything with their lives past high school (if they finished) and it was rare to find the ones who did move on.  Over the course of the semester I got to know all of my students and talk to them about their futures.  One of my students in particular really didn't think he could ever go to college or have much of a life outside of the town.  In February I asked him if he ever had considered the military or any armed service and he blew me off as if I was joking with him.  THEN.... this month... he found me on facebook and wrote me the sweetest message about how he is going to boot camp in September and he wanted to thank me for believing in him.  He never thought he could do anything with his life and I inspired him to do something great with his life.  Un be lieve able. I  sobbed with joy.

July: I spent my first and last 4th of July in statesboro with a great group of people.  All my guys were there.  Somehow, over the course of the last 4 years at school I managed to make 8 really close guy friends and only a few really close girl friends. Funny how that works. I went on one last date with Jacob the night before I moved and we said our goodbyes. I walked through campus one last time and visisted my last few people. I packed up the moving truck and moved back in with my parents.  No one was home when I got there.  My parents were on vacation and I moved myself into my old room by myself. It was surreal.  I was finished with college and moved home.  What?!!? I didn't even unpack a single item and immediately went to North Carolina to our family's cabin.  I couldn't deal with it just yet. Maybe a little vacation would help.  I came home from the weekend to a disaster of a room and a job interview to go to.  Sweet and Sassy... here I come! Over the rest of the month, I worked as many hours as I could and tried to start paying for all my own bills. Only making $8 an hour proved to make that somewhat difficult.  So I got a second job at Yankee Candle. I was working 40+ hours a week and still only making $8 an hour at each place.  I was physically exhausted and my mental stat was in the trenches.  In a very desperate attempt to regain my mental capacity I started to reach out to old friends and start making new friends here in my new...home.. again.. Braves games, nights out at the bar, drinks with friends, dinners, movies, anything I could do to get out of the house and to be with people was worth it. 

August: This month snuck up on me. I watched my cousins for a whole week while my aunt and uncle were out of town.  This made me start to realize that I'm ready for more than just a college life.  I'm ready to grow up and put on my big girl panties and get a real job and get out on my own.  I CAN do it and i NEED to do it. I have yet to visit Statesboro (despite some people's desperate attempts to make me come down there) and I just wanted to get my shit together in ATL before going back there and seeing the life that I missed so much. 

September: Elizabeth and I decided it would be fun to surprise our college age cousin on her 21st birthday.  We packed up the car and headed to Dayton, OH for her birthday... on a Tuesday. Who does that??! WE DO! We got to have fun, go out, and celebrate her wonderful day. What happens in Dayton...stays in Dayton... We were there longer than we were traveling only by a few hours but we packed in as much fun as we possibly could. At this point, I returned to a life of Yankee Candle and Sweet and Sassy fun.  I started going out more with friends and really getting my life going.  Things were looking up for me.  Elizabeth, Sarah and Rosemary and I joined the ATL bocce league so wednesday nights were ridiculously fun. Our cheering team was pretty great too! On a night that we went out to Ormsby's after our last game, we celebrated Elizabeth's birthday.  It was this night that I started to notice just how single I was and just how much I maybe kind of started to kind of like someone that has been in my life for a while.  I ALSO got a job interview at DFS, got the job, and started my first day on Sept 27. BIG TIMER!!!! 

October: I was finally ready for my step to go back to statesboro. I went down for one night the first weekend of the month and had a ridiculous time.  I spent quality time with the friends I missed and got to feel like I was home again.  It felt good.  I needed it. I also needed to know that I had moved on from that life.  Being there made me realize that I didn't want that life any more.  I like working. I like having a regular schedule.  I like not having papers to write or projects to worry about.  The life I have in ATL is much, much better than the one I had in the boro.  Grown up time!!! I came back from the weekend and went back to work and loved it. Over the next month, I continued to enjoy my life here and continued to make more solid friendships. I spent my first halloween in down town atlanta with my brother alex and his friends. wow. ridiculous. I also went on a few random dates with a few random people that I honestly will never talk to again. Yea, single life!

November: My second trip to statesboro was the weekend of homecoming. This weekend was absolutely WONDERMOUS. I brought calliebaker with me and she and I just really enjoyed all that the town has to offer. Again, still glad Im not there worrying about school, but loved to enjoy the people there for the weekend. A few girls and I took Mary Beth out for her 23rd birthday.  A girls night?! SWEET! We went to a tapas restaurant downtown and then went to Dad's garage for an improv show.  This is the month that I began to realize that atl is pretty damn sweet.  People aspire to be here and I already live here.  Why not embrace the opportunity I have in my lap and get every ounce of it out of it as possible?! Theres so many cool things to do in the city and outside of the city so I need to tell the chain restaurants to kick rocks and go to an authentic real delish and one of a kind restaurant. booooom! One day in this month I randomly was out at the fred with my sis and her buds and he was there... and he asked me casually go to see cirque...and i...well you read the blog about it-- Thanksgiving was bliss.  For the first time in my entire life, I was at home for the holiday.  Usually our family goes to NC or FL for the celebration to be with all the extended family.  However, my immediate family has grown so much over the past few years that this time instead of piling 10 people up to the cabin, we just stayed here.  We all made a dish and just played bocce and other yard games all day and just enjoyed each other's company.  The next day elizabeth and mom and i went to do the black friday shopping with e's mother in law.  This was my first experience and I will never, ever do it again. Yep. I can cross it off the bucket list and I'm DONE.   On Thanksgiving, Alex surprised our family with Falcons Tickets.  (see:  http://twobuerglers.blogspot.com/2010/12/sunday-funday.html )  I also had the opportunity to see Jacob. We sat and discussed why our relationship failed, what we both did wrong, how we can grow and learn from it, and we said goodbye. It was really good closure.  I needed it and I haven't looked back.  All is forgiven and it's gone forever. I'm thankful for the opportunity so I can really let go of that whole situation so I can move on with my life, not dwell, and open my heart to new people and new opportunities. The healing is complete. 

December:  See previous blog about the month. Sam rocks my face, btw. 

The year was crazy and ridiculous and at many times out of control.  I think 2010 treated me pretty damn well. Even though I'm still a kid, I think I grew up. a lot. I changed a lot about my life in one year. I'm old enough to realize a good thing when I've got it while having the strength to walk away from a bad situation. I have learned from my mistakes in the past and the only truly devastating mistake I can make at this point would be to be with the wrong person even though I know they are the wrong person.  I no longer want to just say I'm going to do all these great things with my life in my 20's. I want to actualy DO THEM. I refuse to get stuck.   I think it's important to do something great with your life.  I'm 22 years old and this is the time in my life where I can go anywhere and do anything so I need to get off my ass and do it. This year was just the beginning of my real life.... my freshman year of real life, if you will. It's a crazy and scary adventure, but I think as long as I have good people, good family and close friends there to guide me every step of the way, it can be something really magical.  I can make my fairy tale ending happen; the story has already begun.  In the spirit of New Years, this year my new years resolution isn't something cliche like "lose 20 lbs!!" or "dont' eat chocolate!", No. Instead, this year, I vow to be a better me.  I vow to continue this crazy  and scary adventure for no one else but for me; to let myself become who I really am; to create a life full of laughter; to continue to grow in my faith and my relationship with God; to continue to grow into an adult; to continue to grow in my relationship with sam; to continue to grow in my relationships with my girlfriends; and to be a the best person I know how to be. 2010, you were good to me...but I'm moving on to something bigger and better.

This beauty wants an adventure. I want someone to fight a battle for me. And I want to make this year, the year of a life time.  Cheers to you 2011.


 Let the adventure begin!!